Hola!
In this first newsletter since my (very) extended maternity leave and pause, I want to take the opportunity to reintroduce myself and what you can expect of this new iteration of The Nightlight.
I first left the classroom to focus on supporting parents 4 years ago. I had a one-year-old at home and was fueled by my experience with the dearth of evidence based and compassionate classes for parents. I’ve always been a problem solver, so I took it as an invitation to create the kinds of classes I would have wanted to take. The work was invigorating. I met hundreds of families. Developed classes, support groups, and workshops for groups as small as 5 and as big as 300.
Then the pandemic brought everything to a grinding halt. I was entering the third trimester of another pregnancy. Pausing and turning inward was part of my plan as I prepared for the baby to arrive, but it was harder to do as everything moved online. The temptation to pivot and rethink my business was huge. Problem solving is difficult for me to resist, but I resisted it. Part of leaving the classroom had also been about prioritizing myself and my family over work. Turning away from my business was a necessity and a privilege.
For a year, I paused. I kept only the work that would fuel me enough emotionally and keep my family afloat financially. Everything else went to two things: my family and myself.
I read, I listened, I learned, I went back to therapy, left therapy when it didn’t feel like the right fit, moved my body, napped with the baby, played with my oldest, got closer to my parents, talked into the night with my husband, and baked sourdough bread weekly.
As I began to emerge from the haze of postpartum and life with an infant, it was to a new landscape of parent support. The field had changed. I saw myself and my previous work reflected back at me in my Instagram feed and inbox. And I didn’t like what I saw.
New parenthood changes you each time. I am not who I was 4 years ago.
The onslaught of gentle, conscious, respectful parenting advice–the same advice I once gave fellow parents–now highly accessible through social media, does not comfort me. My Instagram feed seems to scream directives. It reminds me to say this, not that in one post. In the next, it reassures me that if I did say the wrong thing, it is okay. I am still “good”. Why does this feel like a backhanded compliment?
Others have critiqued the child-centered nature of gentle parenting. That’s not what bothers me. My problem is with the nature of giving parents advice; the idea that there is an expert who can tell us the right way to raise our children. Yes, many of the new folks offering advice are women with degrees in psychology or education who are also mothers. Most but not all are white. This can feel like progress in a field that has been dominated by the voices of white male pediatricians for decades like Dr. Spock, Sears, and Brazelton, but new it is not. We are simply seeing (white) women occupy a role previously unavailable to them and replicate the power dynamic.
I could not in good conscience join the many voices telling people how to parent. If the pandemic has shown me anything it is that advice is not what parents need. And yet, I also recognize that I have a level of expertise in child development, as well as a host of privileges, that allow me to make choices that other parents may not even realize exist. I also understand the importance of claiming my authority and expertise, especially as a woman of color. Denying it would be a disservice to myself and my community. It would be dishonest.
The question that has emerged from this is how to use my knowledge and power to make things easier for other parents.
I’ve looked first to my own experience. One of the most enlightening moments of my journey thus far as a parent has been the realization that, in raising children together, my culture and my husband’s are in constant conversation. Parenting is the site of our self-exploration. In the act of parenting, we find harmony and discord. Much of this stems from values and ideas we didn’t even realize we were bringing into our relationship. In raising multicultural children, our differences have surfaced.
Once I began to use culture as a lens, I began to see how it is everywhere. The research on development–influenced by the cultures of those conducting it and the families participating. Every parenting philosophy–defined by the cultural context in which it emerged. The advice from our abuelitas–informed by their cultures and experiences. Our pediatricians’ recommendations–derived from their beliefs more than any evidence or specialized education.
Pueblo emerged out of my enthusiasm for applying this lens to parenting. There is no right way to parent. There is only what is right for your family.
To return to the question of how I want to support families, I am not here to tell you what to do. I cannot provide you with a script that will feel familiar on your tongue, a method that will always work. (Work for whom? On whose terms?)
I can provide you with information about how children develop. I can contextualize that information as I present it, and offer you references so you can look into it yourselves. I can offer opportunities for you to reflect on your needs, wants, and goals for your family. I can create space for you to connect and reflect with whoever it is you are parenting with. I can help guide you as you make decisions that bring all of this together. I can offer reassurance. I can shed light on some of the places where society won’t have your back (yet), and give suggestions of how to mitigate the impact this will have on you and your family. I can bring in peer reviewers with a breadth of experience and perspective both professional and personal that I, as a single person, could never dream of approaching to review the content for accessibility, inclusivity, accuracy, and sensitivity, ensuring it is culturally sustaining and empowering. I can make my classes free for those who can’t afford to pay.
The Nightlight is a newsletter in which I will explore culture and parenting. I plan to share resources and inspiration as I come across them. My intention is to offer up something monthly. But if I need to rest, spend the time with my kids, or put the work towards completing a class… I will take that liberty.
Thank you for subscribing – and please tell all your friends!
For more on the intersection of parenting and culture, follow me @parentpueblo.
I am so happy to be back in conversation with you.